Mad Dying

My soul drips
as I sink into the dusty cracks
My body numb from the silence
Eternity's price still to be paid

White light surpasses the sound
Seeping through the secret door
Blinding my sight from reality
I watch myself scream

Blank spaces engulf my being
Lost forever in the mist
As madness takes its time
Clawing at the blurry lines

Between two worlds
What divine existence
Lingers like a dark shadow
Crying in the twilight

Life's subtle cycles
and delicate strings
drift in the wind
in a waking dream.

When Guilt finds her Shame
And Fate lifts her veil,
While dancing Death's flame ,
I watch the darkness pale.

Sunrise # 3, Same Morning

And again.

Sunrise # 2, Same Morning

More from the same morning.

Sunrise

This was taken by a friend of mine in the early morning outside our dorms.

Creation Story

And the preacher stood up on his milk carton and said:
"And the great black beasts rose up! Up from the ground, up from the dirt, up from their very graves! They caused chaos. They wreaked havoc. They raped the mothers and daughters and beheaded the men of the indigenous people. Then the fires. Oh, the fires! A large, giant bonfire that touched the heavens and singed its very edges! They burned the bodies, burned the forests, burned everything. Then they ate marshmallows. And smores. The smores tasted good. Like charred human flesh. The beasts stayed up for eternity, their black shadows dancing around the fire. Dancing around and around, faster and faster until they fell over laughing. Laughing so hard their sides ached. Laughing so hard the ground they had emerged from shook. And that black, charred dirt cracked, leaving holes in the earth. Then like Pandora's box in reverse, the black shadow beasts fell, back into the ground, back into their graves, back into the very caves and crevices of hell. Another massacre well performed. But the Gods had been watching. Secretly. In hiding. They looked across the empty dead lands, feeling much like Chernoble, and they cried, much like the sensitive, cowardly Gods they are. They cried and cried until the entire planet was covered in salty tears. Killed all the slugs, you know. The lightning and thunder came, then came the coughing, wheezing winds. Causing tidal waves that washed out all the... water. And the Gods' mother (yes, even Gods have mothers) spoke: "Now look at what you've done! You ignorant children!" And she grunted. Then, with her hands working quickly, she thrust her hands into the water and pulled up the mud underneath. With this mud, she formed humans. Yup, Humans. Out of mud. And the great Mother, formed human, showed the mortals how to live, harvest their crops, and told them how to procreate. Then she left. Generations went by. Then the humans forgot the ways of the great Mother and slowly turned into their natural form, evil soldiers of mud. They stopped procreating, stopped harvesting, and eventually stopped believing in the great Mother. The great Mother felt saddened by this, but also angry. She was so angry she grinded her teeth and cause the earths to crack, and the black shadow beasts to emerge once again. So don't forget where you came from, you ignorant humans! Don't forget how to make babies, don't forget how to feed yourselves! Don't forget that she who has the power to give, also has the power to take away!"

Red Barn Door

What can come of a red barn door?
Tall and faded.
It’s not what’s on the other side, but the opportunity to pass through it.
An invitation, to choose or to leave behind.
It’s this freedom of choice I want.

I don’t believe I have ever found such a prominent closed door.
A resounding “no” shouts in my head as I step closer.
I am on the path to my future; and my fate is my own.
The sun shines on my face, and cars pass behind me.

What can come of a red barn door?
Especially one that is cracked open?
If I pry with my fingernails or push with my strength I might force the door to open.
It might be sinful or simply wrong.
I cannot see the future.

Shall I force the door or shall I pass it by?
Decisions become a person’s experiences, but have I ever made the wrong decision?
Am I accidentally spontaneous, or am I just insecure?

What can come of a red barn door?
Especially one that is open a crack?
My decision is made,
My fate is pronounced,
And yet I feel
Unfinished.

[*Note: This was written for a photography writing exercise. Unfortunately, I do not have a copy of the photo anymore. ]

Time

I've been here a few minutes
I've been here a few days
But the days turn to weeks
and weeks to years
I cry
There's not many things I know for certain
Except I'm here
and I was born
I know I will die
But until then
I spend my time
Day in, Day out
Watching the sun go down
I've seen better times
I've seen worst times
But they always go away
I think back
upon the monotonous tune of my life
radiating with an essence of gray
I don't know how long I've been here
I don't know how long I'll stay
But I'm here
Stuck in a rut
I've seen better times
I've seen worst times
I know they always go away
But until then I spend my life,
Day In, Day Out
Watching the sun go down
As the minutes turn to hours,
And the hours turn to days,
Wondering why
I cry.

Give me an Hour

Just give me an hour
To turn things around
Walking into the beautiful night
A chance to talk
A chance to change
We could do something different
It’s up to you, really
Embark on a journey, adventure, pilgrimage
From which we shall never return
If only and What if
Stop thinking like that
And do what you will
Live for the now
The future is opening it’s doors
(and windows)
Stick with the good things
The rest is all baggage; intertwined
For shame we’re too late
To find so much similar
I thought I was alone:
Inconceivable!
Nervous?
We’ll start easy
Logic and reasoning are:
Left behind in the mud
But we’re standing on a whim
Welcome to my world,
Like that brook - heart, soul, and mind
Rushing off into the woods
Without a flashlight
Where we can roam
Becoming forgotten
While sanity sleeps
Dancing with both (bare) left feet
Under the light of the full moon
Time slows down
And eternity sets in
Let me show you sometime
Just give me an hour

Rainbows

Icy cold breath on the back of my neck
My skin shivers but I do not fear
Darkness surrounds my physical body
The cold cement my only friend
Slow, methodical tears fall from my eyes
In this world I am empty without you.

I said we were inseparable
And meant invincible.
Being wrong hard is hard to bear.

The chains on my hands and feet are reminders of my mistakes.
What if, What if, What if
That’s not important anymore.
I have lost all hope, I think
Tell me what it was, exactly
I have my memories.

Hiding in the closet
Of your own room,
You pointed that barrel
At the roof of your mouth.
Was it really supposed to be loaded?
Even in death I can hear you ironic laughing
What the hell did you expect to find, rainbows?

[*Note: Some lines were used in a poem found earlier in the blog, however, this was the original]

Summer, 2003

There’s a certain stillness in eternity,
A certain calm feeling of patience
That washes over you like a cool breeze
Coming off the lake as the waves roll upon shore
And the crickets chirp anxiously.

Like drinking mates we sang
Crude and beautiful and out of key
We laughed and shared a few moments
Under the amber city lights.

Pretending we were lovers without any care
Or at least we thought so
Confident of our future together
And certain of our past.

It’s a type of ease
When I’m sitting close to you
Feeling your burden and helping you through
Listening to your breath
As shadows dance before us in the darkness

Lie With Me

Listen to the beat

Overflowing your life
It rushes your thoughts
Heightens your body
Feel the tingling
That tells you it is time
For your future
Flesh drawn tight
Across the body
Veins pulse
Innocence runs through them
One touch is all she needs
Cast her under the spell
“Lie down with me, my Beautiful”
Onto black silk sheets
Draw my fingers carefully
And hold you forever
Believe me, we were made to be one.
She is frozen in fear
I kiss her mouth gently
Make love with me, my darling
When we are done,
“Lie down with me, my Beautiful”
We shall be ready to die
Wrap you in my arms
Your innocence is lost
Naked woman
But you are unchanged
I can hear your thoughts
Don’t tell me you love me
Love is terribly naïve
But I will still feel for you.
Come to me
With your troubles
“Lie down with me, my Beautiful”
Stare into my eyes
Lost forever
Innocence
But everything will be okay.

The Devil's Bride

An amber spark of light
Dances in the dark
Blessed flame
You are my constant
Caught between two worlds, I am
Living in life and traveling through death
Time is an infinity
I have everything and crave more
Caught in limbo, the devil laughs
I am his beauty
Bound to life and chained to death
See the pain in my eyes
Gentle and deceiving
Claiming the next victim
A chill runs down my back
Crushed is life and dirty is death
There is no escape from my lover
The devil awaits, and the jester grins
He screams at me, WHO MY NEXT VICTIM WILL BE?
The man who glances a loving eye at me,
For he has drank his fill.
Tonight that man will find:
Lonely is life and cold is death

For _____

There is an empty space
In my heart
Where once, as children, we roamed
Across the open meadows and under the full moon
Never ceasing to realize
Our biggest dreams were coming true

There is an empty space
On that old porch
Where we sat contemplating the meaning of life
And drinking iced tea
On a Sunday afternoon
Watching the corn grow and the neighbors drive by
And thinking, knowing, that summers come and go

There is an empty space
In my house
Where your laughter filled each room
Over there, in that chair, is where you sat
When you told us your stories
And ignored the movie playing
Because time together is always enough.

There is an empty space
In this driveway
Where we stood watching the sun set
Wondering about the decision we make,
And curious of when we shall meet next.

There is an empty space
In my soul
Where the piercing gaze brought down my walls
And let some light shine through.

Non-death

Icy cold breath on the back of my neck
My skin shivers but I do not fear
Darkness surrounds my physical body
The cold cement my only friend
Slow, methodical tears fall from my eyes
In this world I am empty without you.

I sink into the dusty floor
My body numb from the silence
Your memory fades,
A pair of eyes floating in the shadows
A faceless name.

White light
Passes through the cracked door
Blinding my sight
Headlights in the road
Amber light surpasses the sound
The car buried deep in the field

Blank Spaces
Black Eternity engulfs my being
I reach out for your serenity,
But I cannot feel your touch
Lost forever in the mist
As I’m dragged away

Bittersweet Silence
I no longer hear your sound
Guilt finds its shame
The line between two worlds
Gets fuzzier every day

What divinity is here?
Caught amongst the dead,
And stuck with the living,
Am I not Fate’s marionette?
Or maybe I am Antigone,
A dark shadow cast upon the wall.

A future imposed upon the present,
That accident was none at all,
And alive you shall remain
Except the dead call out for you,
In a state of waking dream.

Father

Every step along the path
Is a step closer to you
I raise my head and glance at the sky
The time has almost come
In my hand, flowers for the lucky one
Next to you, I shall be alone
In a world of darkness I watch the seasons change
I arrive to my destination
And reflect on my life
In your image I stand,
Burdened by your mysterious past
I shall never know the truth,
Father.
Here I stand, looking down upon you
There you are, next to your father and brother,
Fighters who would never back down.
Piece by piece
Whispers on the wind
Your life digs into my heart
I shall bring the shovel, and you bring the map
And together we can find
The one thing that brought us down.

In Your Absence

Trudging through this white, snowy hell

Listening to the empty music in my ears
I reach out for something that was never there
And I walk alone

I lay in my bed watching the ceiling bleed
The stars shine like flashlights in the night
In a game of tag I can't win
I give up my position

I sit on the hospital floor
Unpacking my suitcase of memories
The hot tears my only cry for help
Internally I burst into flames

The more I look behind me
The more I miss what's ahead
Like a dream craving closure
My deja vu isn't over

The haunted dreams of a love soon lost
The dead gray trees whisper my name
As the spider weaves her web
I am all that's left of me

Written 1/9/2005

For _____

Remember the time
When we were young
We followed the stream
Across the cow pasture
To the "humongous" rock pile
To search for fossils
We climbed up and we sat down
Skipping the rocks in by the dam
We had built ourselves.
Remember the time we brought matches
To make a fire
Hot dogs and beans was our dinner that night
And brook water
Then we went out to that great rock pile
To watch the sun set
And run home in the darkest of night
Searching for that one house light.