Creation Story

And the preacher stood up on his milk carton and said:
"And the great black beasts rose up! Up from the ground, up from the dirt, up from their very graves! They caused chaos. They wreaked havoc. They raped the mothers and daughters and beheaded the men of the indigenous people. Then the fires. Oh, the fires! A large, giant bonfire that touched the heavens and singed its very edges! They burned the bodies, burned the forests, burned everything. Then they ate marshmallows. And smores. The smores tasted good. Like charred human flesh. The beasts stayed up for eternity, their black shadows dancing around the fire. Dancing around and around, faster and faster until they fell over laughing. Laughing so hard their sides ached. Laughing so hard the ground they had emerged from shook. And that black, charred dirt cracked, leaving holes in the earth. Then like Pandora's box in reverse, the black shadow beasts fell, back into the ground, back into their graves, back into the very caves and crevices of hell. Another massacre well performed. But the Gods had been watching. Secretly. In hiding. They looked across the empty dead lands, feeling much like Chernoble, and they cried, much like the sensitive, cowardly Gods they are. They cried and cried until the entire planet was covered in salty tears. Killed all the slugs, you know. The lightning and thunder came, then came the coughing, wheezing winds. Causing tidal waves that washed out all the... water. And the Gods' mother (yes, even Gods have mothers) spoke: "Now look at what you've done! You ignorant children!" And she grunted. Then, with her hands working quickly, she thrust her hands into the water and pulled up the mud underneath. With this mud, she formed humans. Yup, Humans. Out of mud. And the great Mother, formed human, showed the mortals how to live, harvest their crops, and told them how to procreate. Then she left. Generations went by. Then the humans forgot the ways of the great Mother and slowly turned into their natural form, evil soldiers of mud. They stopped procreating, stopped harvesting, and eventually stopped believing in the great Mother. The great Mother felt saddened by this, but also angry. She was so angry she grinded her teeth and cause the earths to crack, and the black shadow beasts to emerge once again. So don't forget where you came from, you ignorant humans! Don't forget how to make babies, don't forget how to feed yourselves! Don't forget that she who has the power to give, also has the power to take away!"